Post Mortem

Come back, Shane!

DEATH:
Hey there, living people. Welcome to Post Mortem, the fake online talk-radio show where fictional characters talk to me about their books, their Authors, and basically anything they want. I’m your host, Death.

The next guest on Post Mortem is no stranger to danger, because he lives in a town filled with vampires. Dangerous vampires. The sort that drink blood, tend to go a little crazy, and have no problems with killing you dead. You know: the cool vampires. Everyone, say hello to one of the stars of Rachel Caine’s New York Times bestselling series, The Morganville Vampires . . . Shane Collins!

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, Shane.

SHANE:
Wicked scythe, man. Where can I get one of those?

DEATH:
Become one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

SHANE:
Damn. I’m kind of busy.

DEATH:
Word. So your bio says you’re the “resident smart-ass and bad boy/good boyfriend, voted Most Likely To Kick Ass in Morganville.” [GRINS] I like it. Anything to add?

SHANE:
I am a bad-ass zombie killer. You know, in Dead Rising?

DEATH:
Sweet. Nothing like a little action-adventure/survival/horror video game to help take the edge off real-life vampire attacks. Speaking of which, tell us about your newest book, KISS OF DEATH. One line. Go!

SHANE:
Seriously, one line?

DEATH:
Yep.

SHANE:
I hate pop quizzes. Okay. Morganville’s a bad place to live, but a good place to leave . . . until our vamp chaperone Oliver takes us on a side trip that may cost us all our humanity, and our lives.

DEATH:
[CLAPS] Well done! Let’s go two for two: what’s the worst thing about your situation in KISS OF DEATH?

SHANE:
Dude, you’re kinda dark, aren’t you?

DEATH:
Comes with the scythe.

SHANE:
I guess the worst moment for me, personally, was being locked up, again, in a jail cell.

DEATH:
Again?

SHANE:
[NODS] Not by vamps, this time.

DEATH:
Well, that’s a bonus.

SHANE:
By cops. Which wouldn’t have been so bad, except my girlfriend Claire and my friend Eve were locked up in the next cell. Again, still not so bad, until the vamps showed up.

DEATH:
Yeah, I can see that being a problem.

SHANE:
Nothing worse for me than being helpless, and knowing that I’m about to watch Claire get hurt. Nothing.

DEATH:
With all that bad, there has to be some good. What’s the best thing about your situation?

SHANE:
There’s absolutely no downside to being outside of Morganville, especially when you’re on the road with the people you like best in the world.

DEATH:
Other than the occasional vampire attack, right?

SHANE:
Not really a big deal when you stack it up against being outside of Morganville.

DEATH:
Fair enough. If you could be anyone, who would it be?

SHANE:
I’d be Abraham Van Helsing. Father of vampire slaying. He knew his way around a coffin.

DEATH:
Heh. Well put. So what does a slacker/vampire fighter teenager wear these days?

SHANE:
I’ve got a kick-ass AC/DC tour shirt that’s been washed about nine million times, and a pair of jeans that I’ve spent a couple of years breaking in. I’ll tell you what I wouldn’t be caught dead in — or undead, whatever: that weird crap Claire’s freaky boss Myrnin pulls out of his closet.

DEATH:
Vintage vampire frocks?

SHANE:
Velvet coats and day-glo Hawaiian shirts and flip-flops. Seriously, if there’s a death penalty from the fashion police, he is toast.

DEATH:
Mmm. Toast. Switching subjects: What are you most afraid of?

SHANE:
You think I’m really going to tell Death what I’m most afraid of? Who does that?

DEATH:
My interviewees.

SHANE:
Oh, okay. Yes, sir. I’m terrified of comfortable beds, delicious tacos, and getting raises. There you go.

DEATH:
[STARES]

SHANE:
Why are you looking at me like that?

DEATH:
[STARES]

SHANE:
Dude, you’re freaking me.

DEATH:
[STARES]

SHANE:
Oh, okay, fine. I’m scared of waking up undead. You know, vampire.

DEATH:
Now we’re talking! How do you move past that fear?

SHANE:
By creating new ways to hurt vamps. Hey, it’s a coping mechanism. Also, survival.

DEATH:
Excellent points. What’s one thing about you that no one else knows?

SHANE:
I once made a really bad decision and kind of, uh, made out with the girl I hate most in the world.

DEATH:
Uh oh. It’s a good thing you trust me, because I’m thinking if that got back to Claire, you’d be in for a world of hurt.

SHANE:
In my defense, it was a long time ago. Plus, I’m a guy.

DEATH:
A very good thing you trust me. So. In KISS OF DEATH, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Rachel, what on earth are you making me do? Or were you and your Author in sync the entire time?

SHANE:
My Author is a freak. Just when I think we’ve got a minute to breathe and have a normal conversation or something, all of a sudden there are vamps or cops or wicked stupid small town idiots with baseball bats. I’m thinking of filing some kind of restraining order.

DEATH:
Doesn’t work. Their creative license overrides a character’s restraining order. If you had your way, what would you change about KISS OF DEATH?

SHANE:
I’d have fixed it so we could just keep on driving, and leave Morganville in the rear view mirror. Oh, and leave Oliver, our vampire chaperone, somewhere by the side of the road, preferably in the middle of a real sunny day.

DEATH:
Nice death imagery! If you could make your Author, Rachel Caine, do anything, what would it be?

SHANE:
The next time I take Claire to the drive-in, Rachel better not write it so we get interrupted. And I don’t mean in the middle of the film, either.

DEATH:
[LAUGHS] Nothing like quality time. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

SHANE:
That oil spill in the Gulf. Man, somebody needs to change that quick.

DEATH:
Agreed. If the Morganville Vampires series goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

SHANE:
I like that Spencer Treat Clark guy. He’s not bad.

DEATH:
What about Claire’s boss, Myrnin?

SHANE:
Eve keeps saying Myrnin looks like somebody named David Tennant. No idea what she’s talking about.

DEATH:
Sometimes, it’s best just to nod and say “yes.” If there’s one piece of advice you could give to your fans, what would it be?

SHANE:
Invest in silver. And learn to electroplate stuff, because anything pointy you can silver-coat is a good idea, if you’re heading to Morganville. I like stakes.

DEATH:
And to think, some people’s travel tips are limited to bringing sunblock. Okay, last question: Who’s your favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse?

SHANE:
Do you really think I’m dumb enough to say anyone but Death right now?

DEATH:
[GRINS] Flatterer.

SHANE:
Dude, I survive in Morganville. I know how to read a room. [PAUSES] That War guy is pretty intense, though.

DEATH:
Heh. Indeed.

Living people, give another round of applause for one of the stars of Rachel Caine’s New York Times bestselling series, The Morganville Vampires . . . Shane Collins!

[APPLAUSE]

Rachel Caine

[No, this isn't Shane Collins. But it is his Author, Rachel Caine.]

The Morganville Vampires books include:

Glass Houses
The Dead Girls’ Dance
Midnight Alley
Feast of Fools
Lord of Misrule
Carpe Corpus
Fade Out
Kiss of Death
Ghost Town (coming October 2010)

That’s it for this episode of Post Mortem. Until next time: Go thee out unto the world. Rock on.



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6 Responses to “Come back, Shane!”

  1. Am says:

    Great interview Death! I love Shane! He is my favorite! I so wish that Claire would let me have him! LOL
    Amy

  2. Jess C. says:

    That was a great interview. Very funny.

  3. Morgan says:

    I LOVE Shane.nice interview,Death!

  4. Viki S. says:

    That was fun – I love Shane.

  5. Death says:

    Thanks, folks. Shane was a lot of fun to interview. And he destroyed me in video games.

  6. LuckyElyse says:

    Likkewisse X I love SHANE and have a STRANGGE thing for Myrnin rigt now, confuzzled :/