Post Mortem

Archive for January, 2010

For Love Of Love…and Banana Bread

Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

DEATH:
Hey there, living people. Welcome to Post Mortem, the fake online talk-radio show where fictional characters talk to me about their books, their Authors, and basically anything they want. I’m your host, Death.

The next guest on Post Mortem has a sweet tooth, both for baked goods and for the idea of true love. The Book Butterfly declares: “What is not to love about a sweet, screwball comedy like SCONES AND SENSIBILITY? One can almost smell the delicious baked goods wafting throughout the air, and feel the cool breeze of summer as Polly leaves a wake of romantic snafus in the midst of her bakery deliveries. This is a book to sit back and savor, perhaps with your own favorite bakery indulgence and a steaming cup of coffee.”

Everyone give a warm welcome to the star of Lindsay Eland’s debut novel SCONES AND SENSIBILITY…Polly Madassa!

SandS

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, Polly. How goes it?

POLLY:
Yes, hello one and all.

DEATH:
If you had to sum up SCONES AND SENSIBILITY in one sentence, what would it be?

POLLY:
It is about both the joys and sorrows, the successes and failures of a hopeless romantic, such as myself, who only longs to find the people in her life their one true love.

DEATH:
A Cupid fixation. [NODS WISELY] Anything bad happen while you’re shooting figurative arrows of love at people?

POLLY:
[SHUDDERS]

DEATH:
I take that as a “yes.” Want to talk about it?

POLLY:
I despise even the remembrance of the situation, but I suppose that I must bring myself to it. It all happened upon a dusky evening when I came upon the window of my dearest bosom friend and found her father being strangled by his girlfriend whom he had met on the Internet.

DEATH:
Oh my.

POLLY:
True, he wasn’t really be strangled, but it looked very serious at the time. The situation ended with the woman, Ruthie, being incarnated (I thought the handcuffs went a tad too far though the police must do their duty) and my best friend not speaking to me.

DEATH:
Ouch.

POLLY:
I shudder at the thought of it all…It was just plain awful!

DEATH:
Tell me something positive that happens to you in the book.

POLLY:
[GRINS] Ooo, goody, goody…I mean, this is much more pleasant to think upon. [SIGHS] Well, the most wondrous part of my situation, aside from wearing the most elegant dresses and ribbons, baking delicious pastries and breads, and living by the wild open ocean, was the task I embraced of finding those I love their one true love. Really, what could be more wonderful than that? [PAUSES] Besides of course, meeting Mr. Darcy in real life…

DEATH:
Ah, l’amour. If you could be anyone, who would it be?

POLLY:
Oh, why Elizabeth Bennet or Anne Shirley, of course. Though I live in 21st century New Jersey, and they in a more romantic time, we are, I believe, true kindred spirits with each other.

DEATH:
Nice. What does a 21st century Cupid wear?

POLLY:
Hmm, I prefer my lavender dress with the white satin bow, and my straw hat (also adorned with ribbons cascading down my back).

DEATH:
Anything you wouldn’t be caught dead in? [SMILES]

POLLY:
Cut-off jean shorts and a t-shirt with the words “Wassup”…and yes, I was forced into this very attire for one horrible weekend that has surely left me scarred for all eternity and beyond.

DEATH:
Surely. Speaking of scars, what are you most afraid of?

POLLY:
I am most afraid of my dear friend having a most horrendous stepmother who will then ship her off to an orphanage.

DEATH:
I’m sensing some literary themes here.

POLLY:
I also fear losing my beloved sister to a horrible bore-of-a-boy that will take her away from me forever.

DEATH:
And how do you move past those fears?

POLLY:
Well, I simply will help my sister find her one true love and my bosom friend’s father find his.

DEATH:
Heh. A nice, simple plan. What’s one thing about you that no one else knows?

POLLY:
That though I prefer classic literature, and feign any mention of vampires or hairy werewolves, I picked up a copy of Twilight from my sister’s secret drawer. And to be quite honest, I couldn’t put it down. I mean, Edward Cullen is so awesome…I mean…he is such a dashing gentleman.

DEATH:
[WINKS] Good catch.

POLLY:
Now I find myself quite taken with anything vampiric.

DEATH:
They certainly have bite. In SCONES AND SENSIBILITY, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Lindsay, what on earth are you making me do? Or were you and your Author in sync the entire time?

POLLY:
We were in sync, I believe, the entire time, though I really do wish that she would’ve completely deleted Clementine’s boyfriend Clint from the text. Really, I pleaded with her quite extensively.

DEATH:
Authors have been known to turn a deaf ear. If you had your way, what would you change about SCONES AND SENSIBILITY?

POLLY:
All the parts that wound up not working out in my favor or the way that I wanted them to be would be completely changed to how I had envisioned at first: the situation mentioned above with my bosom friend and her father, Clementine getting stung by a jellyfish, and me falling into the sea.

DEATH:
If you could make your Author, Lindsay Eland, do anything, what would it be?

POLLY:
I would make her wear delicate dresses and bows, because really — the things she wears sometimes!

DEATH:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

POLLY:
Well, honestly I would prefer to change lots and lots…I mean…many things. I would love to walk through the house by the flickering of candlelight. And how romantic would it be to ride to and fro school on a horse-drawn carriage? And all the girls and ladies would wear elegant dresses and the gentleman would dawn handsome suits and tall hats. [SIGHS HAPPILY]

DEATH:
If SCONES AND SENSIBILITY goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

POLLY:
I would love for Megan Follows, the actress who played Anne Shirley in the wonderful movie, to play me.

DEATH:

What about Clementine’s boyfriend, Clint?

POLLY:
And as for Clint, my vile nemesis…I think he would be played by a large goat.

DEATH:
[DIES LAUGHING]

POLLY:
At this time, I shall include a delicious banana bread recipe that is currently sitting in the oven. [CLEARS THROAT]

Banana Bread, a la Polly Madassa

3-4 ripe bananas mashed
1/3 cup butter melted
1 cup sugar
1 egg, beaten
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 ½ cups flour

Preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease a loaf pan. Place the mashed bananas in a bowl and stir in melted butter with a wooden spoon. Add sugar, egg, and vanilla and stir. Sprinkle baking soda over the top and stir. Finally stir in the flour. Adding ¾ cup chocolate chips only adds to the divinity of this recipe! Bake for about 1 hour.

DEATH:
Post Mortem: the interviews that keep on giving. [GRINS] If there’s one piece of advice you could give to your fans, what would it be?

POLLY:
To laugh and cry, dream and believe…but always save enough room for dessert!

DEATH:
My favorite, of course, being Death by Chocolate. Last question: who’s your favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse?

POLLY:
O dear, is there a Horseman of Elegance?

DEATH:
Not the last time I checked.

POLLY:
If not, I think I’d like to pick whatever horse is white, because I think white horses are the most becoming of the equine race.

DEATH:
Heh. I’ll be sure to let Pestilence know.

Living people, give another round of applause to the star of Lindsay Eland’s debut novel, SCONES AND SENSIBILITY…Polly Madassa!

[APPLAUSE]

LE

[No, this isn't Polly. But it is her Author, Lindsay Eland.]

You can buy SCONES AND SENSIBILITY at Barnes & Noble, Borders, your favorite independent bookseller, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Post Mortem. Feel free to comment. Let us know if you liked the interview, if there’s a question I should have asked…anything you’d like. Either Polly or I will get back to you. Or possibly Lindsay or Jackie; our Authors get nosy sometimes.

Until next time, go thee out unto the world. Rock on.



Killer Unicorns

Sunday, January 3rd, 2010

DEATH:
Hey there, living people. Welcome to Post Mortem, the fake online talk-radio show where fictional characters talk to me about their books, their Authors, and basically anything they want. I’m your host, Death.

I have two words that sum up our next guest’s book: killer unicorns. I’m going to say that again, because let’s face it, those words go better together than milk and cookies. Killer unicorns. Locus says: “Tired of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Try Astrid the unicorn hunter.” Scott Westerfeld, author of Leviathan, declares: “As swift and sure-footed as a killer unicorn, RAMPANT weaves a vibrant new mythology from venerable threads.” And Tamora Pierce calls RAMPANT “A thrilling read, with strong girls, unusual and scary unicorns, and hidden dangers everywhere.”

In case you missed it: killer unicorns. Everyone, say hello to the star of Diana Peterfreund’s RAMPANT…Astrid Llewelyn!

[APPLAUSE]

Rampant

Hey, Astrid.

ASTRID:
Hi, Death. If at all possible, could you get lost? It’s like you’ve been stalking me lately.

DEATH:
I never stalk. Don’t need to. Everyone comes to me, eventually. So, RAMPANT. Killer unicorns. How’s a girl like you get involved in something like that?

ASTRID:
After watching my boyfriend get gored in the leg by a thought-to-be-extinct killer unicorn, I’m sent to a nunnery in Rome to train as a unicorn hunter because I, as a virgin descendant of Alexander the Great, am part of a long line of people with the magical ability to protect the world from the killer unicorn menace. [PAUSES] Want my job?

DEATH:
Next time I’m a virgin descendant of Alexander the Great, you’re on. What’s the worst thing about your situation in RAMPANT?

ASTRID:
Gee, where do I start? How about being ripped out of school before I have a chance to win the science fair for the second time in a row and sent to live in a nunnery, where it is my job to kill man-eating monsters?

DEATH:

I can see that being quite a bummer.

ASTRID:
Then there’s my crazy, unicorn-obsessed roommate, or the bone-covered walls that give me a headache, the fact that my duty to kill unicorns goes hand in hand with a rule that says I can never date a boy again, ever!

DEATH:
Well, that last probably makes your parents happy.

ASTRID:
Oh, and imminent death lies on the other end of every arrow point. That sucks, too.

DEATH:
Hey, I get around. Anything redeeming about your situation?

ASTRID:
In Rome, they have gelato stands on every corner. Yum!

DEATH:
[SMILES] Good stuff.

ASTRID:
Also, I met a cute boy here, but don’t tell anyone that, since, ahem, not supposed to date.

DEATH:
Your secret is safe with me. Cross my heart.

ASTRID:
And I get to hang out with my cousin Phil, who is my best friend.

DEATH:
If you could be anyone, who would it be?

ASTRID:
Marie Curie, because she was a brilliant scientist and her research helped cure thousands of people. Even though it eventually killed her. Hmmm, maybe we have more in common than I’d thought.

DEATH:
What does a unicorn hunter wear these days?

ASTRID:
A lot of cargo pants, because the pockets are big enough for spare arrow points and my alicorn knife.

DEATH:
Anything you wouldn’t be, ha-ha, caught dead in?

ASTRID:
Probably wouldn’t wear heels, especially not with these cobblestone streets around the Cloisters. You could break your ankle, especially if you have to start running. Which we do, because the other downside to my ability is that, on top of having magical powers over killer unicorns, I also draw them to me like catnip.

DEATH:
Nice to keep things interesting. What are you most afraid of?

ASTRID:
I’m really terrified of ending up a crazy loser like my mother.

DEATH:
Ouch.

ASTRID:
I mean, she was right about there being unicorns, and them being venomous monsters, but she’s still completely insane. Trust me on this one. And I had a plan to escape it. I was going to go to school, be a doctor, immerse myself in science.

DEATH:
How do you move past that fear?

ASTRID:
I’m a high school dropout learning magical hunting techniques. So far, I’m not doing so great with the “moving past” thing.

DEATH:
Give it time. Or more books. What’s one thing about you that no one else knows? You can trust me. Really.

ASTRID:
My cousin Philippa is my hero. I love her more than anyone else in the world.

DEATH:
That’s sweet.

ASTRID:
Also, I’m kind of ace at braiding hair.

DEATH:
Definitely a lost art. In RAMPANT, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Diana, what on earth are you making me do? Or were you and your Author in sync the entire time?

ASTRID:
She tortured me a lot. But I don’t think she had much of a choice in the matter, either.

DEATH:
I don’t know about that. Free will and all. If you had your way, what would you change about RAMPANT?

ASTRID:
Well, I probably would have slept with my boyfriend in the first chapter, so I wouldn’t have been eligible for this whole unicorn hunting thing.

DEATH:
[DIES LAUGHING]

ASTRID:
Then again, if I’d done that, I never would have met Giovanni. [PAUSES] Tough call.

DEATH:
If you could make your Author, Diana Peterfreund, do anything, what would it be?

ASTRID:
I’m pretty sure I’m getting tortured even worse in the next book, so I guess I’d have to say STOP WRITING!

DEATH:
Yeah, that doesn’t work. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

ASTRID:
I wish we had a cure for cancer. I know that’s cheesy and simplistic, but I do. I’d give anything if we could rid the world of disease.

DEATH:
I know a certain White Rider of the Apocalypse who might have something to say about that. If RAMPANT goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

ASTRID:
I don’t know if I could choose me. That’s really egocentric, don’t you think?

DEATH:
Maybe, but that doesn’t make it wrong. Okay then, what about your cousin? Who should play her?

ASTRID:
Phil would totally be Amanda Seyfried.

DEATH:
By the way, viewers, if you haven’t checked out the book trailer for RAMPANT, you really should.

ASTRID:
And I’d like to take this opportunity to issue a public service announcement: Stay out of the woods.

DEATH:
Well put. If there’s one piece of advice you could give to your fans, what would it be?

ASTRID:
I have fans? Really?

DEATH:
Really really.

ASTRID:
Did my mother start a fan club? I wouldn’t put it past her. And, again: stay out of the woods.

DEATH:
Heh. Again, well put. Finally, who’s your favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse?

ASTRID:
That’s a tough one. I mean, on one hand, they are supposed to be all famine and pestilence, right?

DEATH:
Two out of four, yes.

ASTRID:
I’m very anti-pestilence. On the other hand, horses in general don’t scare me, not after seeing unicorns. I’m going to go with Conquest, because he’s got a bow.

DEATH:
And because I’m a gentleman, I won’t tell you that my Author has Pestilence doing double time as Conquest—he gets the bow.

ASTRID:
I like bows.

DEATH:
Who doesn’t? You know, besides killer unicorns.

Everyone, give another hearty round of applause for the star of Diana Peterfreund’s RAMPANT…Astrid Llewelyn!

[APPLAUSE]

DP

[No, this isn't Astrid. But it is her Author, Diana Peterfreund.]

RAMPANT is available at Barnes & Noble, Borders, Mysterious Galaxy and other independent bookstores, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.

That’s it for this episode of Post Mortem. Feel free to comment. Let us know if you liked the interview, if there’s a question I should have asked…anything you’d like. Either Astrid or I will get back to you. Or possibly Diana or Jackie; our Authors get nosey sometimes.

Until next time, go thee out unto the world. Rock on.