DEATH:
Hey there, living people. Welcome to Post Mortem, the fake online talk-radio show where fictional characters talk to me about their books, their Authors, and basically anything they want. I’m your host, Death.
The next guest on Post Mortem has a broken heart — and not in the way that you think. Everyone, say hello to the star of Shari Maurer’s debut novel CHANGE OF HEART. . . Emmi Miller!
[APPLAUSE]
Hey, Emmi.
EMMI:
Hey, everyone.
DEATH:
Tell us about CHANGE OF HEART.
EMMI:
I’m a competitive soccer player with a great life, until one day a virus gets me so sick that without a new heart, I will die.
DEATH:
Dude. Sounds like you should be talking to my co-worker, Pestilence.
EMMI:
Well, for me to get a new heart, some other person has to die.
DEATH:
Ah. So you’re chatting with the correct Horseman. [GRINS] You’re in a tough spot. Anything good about your situation?
EMMI:
Well, I probably would have said not having to go to school while I was waiting for my heart, except the reality of it is that it’s really boring.
DEATH:
Yeah?
EMMI:
I miss my peeps!
DEATH:
Gotcha.
EMMI:
The funny thing is that when I went to school, no one really noticed me. Once I was out of school, I was e-mailing with my teachers several times a week. And I have a feeling that there was a lot of gossip about me. Every time I ran into someone from school, they would give me a funny look. [PAUSES] Strangely, the whole thing probably brought me closer to Sam.
DEATH:
Sam?
EMMI:
He was amazingly supportive and would chat with me and help me study.
DEATH:
Nice. If you could be anyone, who would it be?
EMMI:
Mia Hamm. She is probably one of the greatest women’s soccer players ever. She has set all sorts of records, played college, professional and for the US National Team. And then she went on to marry a baseball player. She gives hope to my hot baseball-playing boyfriend Sam and me for a successful soccer-baseball intermarriage!
DEATH:
Heh. Hope springs eternal, from what I hear. What’s your standard outfit?
EMMI:
T-shirt, sweats and flip flops—unless I’m wearing my soccer uniform and cleats, of course.
DEATH:
Of course. Missy from RAGE would love to hang out with you, I just know it. What wouldn’t you be, ha ha, caught dead in?
EMMI:
Using the phrase “wouldn’t be caught dead in” kind of freaks me out.
DEATH:
Whoops, sorry about that.
EMMI:
I have to say that even though I’m a bit of a jock, I like getting dressed up too
DEATH:
What are you most afraid of?
EMMI:
I’m most afraid of you, Death.
DEATH:
Why? I’m a nice sort of anthropomorphic personification.
EMMI:
We come pretty close in my story and unfortunately, I will be having you looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life.
DEATH:
Er. Well. It’s a nice shoulder, if that matters…
EMMI:
I’ll try not to think about you too much, but I think you’re always there in the background.
DEATH:
[SMILES] I always am, for every living creature. Comes with the scythe. What’s one thing about you that no one else knows?
EMMI:
I actually don’t hate my brothers as much as I tell everyone I do.
DEATH:
Blood is thicker than water, after all. In CHANGE OF HEART were there any parts of the story where you were like, Shari, what on earth are you making me do? Or were you and your Author in sync the entire time?
EMMI:
Shari had my best friend Becca and me have a No-Sex pact.
DEATH:
Oh my.
EMMI:
It made sense at one point, but when I got involved with Sam, I really wanted to chuck it.
DEATH:
Ah, l’amour. If you had your way, what would you change about CHANGE OF HEART?
EMMI:
The end. But I can’t tell you what happens, only that it’s super-awful and I wish it didn’t happen.
DEATH:
Duly noted. If you could make your Author, Shari Maurer, do anything, what would it be?
EMMI:
I’d put her in the hospital for a few days so she could see how it feels.
DEATH:
Heh. I bet she’d really love that. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.
EMMI:
I’ve always said that after college I wanted to do a Peace Corp type thing, so I really wish I could make a world where there aren’t any poor children.
DEATH:
[NODS] That’s a good wish. If CHANGE OF HEART goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?
EMMI:
Well, if you know someone with crazy, curly hair that never does what it’s supposed to do, that would be good. Or they could wear a wig, right?
DEATH:
Sure.
EMMI:
Do you think that Britt Robertson from Life Unexpected could pull off the athletic part? I wouldn’t mind looking like her!
DEATH:
Absolutely. What about your friend Becca — who should play her?
EMMI:
Well, for Becca, it would have to be someone with great blonde hair. Maybe Blake Lively or Hayden Panettiere, though they may be getting too old to play us high school kids.
DEATH:
Don’t discount the magic of Hollywood. Hey, I understand you have a public service announcement to make. Go for it!
EMMI:
Something that both Shari and I are working on is to make people aware that they should register to be an organ donor. It sucks to think you or your family member might die one day, but there’d be a lot of good you could do — you could help eight people with your organs. As they say, you can’t take them to heaven with you, so wouldn’t it be great to leave them to help someone else survive? You can find out how to register at www.donatelife.net. You need to be 18 to register, but you can tell all your friends and family members to register too.
DEATH:
That’s an excellent cause. Dying is also about living. And being an organ donor helps you make a positive impact on the world, even after you’ve left. Rock on, Emmi. If there’s one piece of advice you could give to your fans, what would it be?
EMMI:
Patience is the key to life. I had absolutely no patience before everything began, but then I had no choice but to wait for things, so I learned: patience is a virtue. Isn’t that what they say?
DEATH:
Indeed. Finally, who’s your favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse?
EMMI:
Why, it’s you, Death. Duh!
DEATH:
Heh. Well put.
Living people, give another round of applause for the star of Shari Maurer’s debut novel CHANGE OF HEART…Emmi Miller!
[APPLAUSE]
[No, this isn't Emmi. But it is her author, Shari Maurer.]
You can purchase CHANGE OF HEART at your favorite independent bookseller, the publisher WestSide Books, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.
That’s it for this episode of Post Mortem. Until next time: Go thee out unto the world. Rock on.
DEATH:
Hey there, living people. Welcome to Post Mortem, the fake online talk-radio show where fictional characters talk to me about their books, their Authors, and basically anything they want. I’m your host, Death.
The next guest on Post Mortem is no stranger to danger, because he lives in a town filled with vampires. Dangerous vampires. The sort that drink blood, tend to go a little crazy, and have no problems with killing you dead. You know: the cool vampires. Everyone, say hello to one of the stars of Rachel Caine’s New York Times bestselling series, The Morganville Vampires . . . Shane Collins!
[APPLAUSE]
Hey, Shane.
SHANE:
Wicked scythe, man. Where can I get one of those?
DEATH:
Become one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
SHANE:
Damn. I’m kind of busy.
DEATH:
Word. So your bio says you’re the “resident smart-ass and bad boy/good boyfriend, voted Most Likely To Kick Ass in Morganville.” [GRINS] I like it. Anything to add?
SHANE:
I am a bad-ass zombie killer. You know, in Dead Rising?
DEATH:
Sweet. Nothing like a little action-adventure/survival/horror video game to help take the edge off real-life vampire attacks. Speaking of which, tell us about your newest book, KISS OF DEATH. One line. Go!
SHANE:
Seriously, one line?
DEATH:
Yep.
SHANE:
I hate pop quizzes. Okay. Morganville’s a bad place to live, but a good place to leave . . . until our vamp chaperone Oliver takes us on a side trip that may cost us all our humanity, and our lives.
DEATH:
[CLAPS] Well done! Let’s go two for two: what’s the worst thing about your situation in KISS OF DEATH?
SHANE:
Dude, you’re kinda dark, aren’t you?
DEATH:
Comes with the scythe.
SHANE:
I guess the worst moment for me, personally, was being locked up, again, in a jail cell.
DEATH:
Again?
SHANE:
[NODS] Not by vamps, this time.
DEATH:
Well, that’s a bonus.
SHANE:
By cops. Which wouldn’t have been so bad, except my girlfriend Claire and my friend Eve were locked up in the next cell. Again, still not so bad, until the vamps showed up.
DEATH:
Yeah, I can see that being a problem.
SHANE:
Nothing worse for me than being helpless, and knowing that I’m about to watch Claire get hurt. Nothing.
DEATH:
With all that bad, there has to be some good. What’s the best thing about your situation?
SHANE:
There’s absolutely no downside to being outside of Morganville, especially when you’re on the road with the people you like best in the world.
DEATH:
Other than the occasional vampire attack, right?
SHANE:
Not really a big deal when you stack it up against being outside of Morganville.
DEATH:
Fair enough. If you could be anyone, who would it be?
SHANE:
I’d be Abraham Van Helsing. Father of vampire slaying. He knew his way around a coffin.
DEATH:
Heh. Well put. So what does a slacker/vampire fighter teenager wear these days?
SHANE:
I’ve got a kick-ass AC/DC tour shirt that’s been washed about nine million times, and a pair of jeans that I’ve spent a couple of years breaking in. I’ll tell you what I wouldn’t be caught dead in — or undead, whatever: that weird crap Claire’s freaky boss Myrnin pulls out of his closet.
DEATH:
Vintage vampire frocks?
SHANE:
Velvet coats and day-glo Hawaiian shirts and flip-flops. Seriously, if there’s a death penalty from the fashion police, he is toast.
DEATH:
Mmm. Toast. Switching subjects: What are you most afraid of?
SHANE:
You think I’m really going to tell Death what I’m most afraid of? Who does that?
DEATH:
My interviewees.
SHANE:
Oh, okay. Yes, sir. I’m terrified of comfortable beds, delicious tacos, and getting raises. There you go.
DEATH:
[STARES]
SHANE:
Why are you looking at me like that?
DEATH:
[STARES]
SHANE:
Dude, you’re freaking me.
DEATH:
[STARES]
SHANE:
Oh, okay, fine. I’m scared of waking up undead. You know, vampire.
DEATH:
Now we’re talking! How do you move past that fear?
SHANE:
By creating new ways to hurt vamps. Hey, it’s a coping mechanism. Also, survival.
DEATH:
Excellent points. What’s one thing about you that no one else knows?
SHANE:
I once made a really bad decision and kind of, uh, made out with the girl I hate most in the world.
DEATH:
Uh oh. It’s a good thing you trust me, because I’m thinking if that got back to Claire, you’d be in for a world of hurt.
SHANE:
In my defense, it was a long time ago. Plus, I’m a guy.
DEATH:
A very good thing you trust me. So. In KISS OF DEATH, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Rachel, what on earth are you making me do? Or were you and your Author in sync the entire time?
SHANE:
My Author is a freak. Just when I think we’ve got a minute to breathe and have a normal conversation or something, all of a sudden there are vamps or cops or wicked stupid small town idiots with baseball bats. I’m thinking of filing some kind of restraining order.
DEATH:
Doesn’t work. Their creative license overrides a character’s restraining order. If you had your way, what would you change about KISS OF DEATH?
SHANE:
I’d have fixed it so we could just keep on driving, and leave Morganville in the rear view mirror. Oh, and leave Oliver, our vampire chaperone, somewhere by the side of the road, preferably in the middle of a real sunny day.
DEATH:
Nice death imagery! If you could make your Author, Rachel Caine, do anything, what would it be?
SHANE:
The next time I take Claire to the drive-in, Rachel better not write it so we get interrupted. And I don’t mean in the middle of the film, either.
DEATH:
[LAUGHS] Nothing like quality time. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.
SHANE:
That oil spill in the Gulf. Man, somebody needs to change that quick.
DEATH:
Agreed. If the Morganville Vampires series goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?
SHANE:
I like that Spencer Treat Clark guy. He’s not bad.
DEATH:
What about Claire’s boss, Myrnin?
SHANE:
Eve keeps saying Myrnin looks like somebody named David Tennant. No idea what she’s talking about.
DEATH:
Sometimes, it’s best just to nod and say “yes.” If there’s one piece of advice you could give to your fans, what would it be?
SHANE:
Invest in silver. And learn to electroplate stuff, because anything pointy you can silver-coat is a good idea, if you’re heading to Morganville. I like stakes.
DEATH:
And to think, some people’s travel tips are limited to bringing sunblock. Okay, last question: Who’s your favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse?
SHANE:
Do you really think I’m dumb enough to say anyone but Death right now?
DEATH:
[GRINS] Flatterer.
SHANE:
Dude, I survive in Morganville. I know how to read a room. [PAUSES] That War guy is pretty intense, though.
DEATH:
Heh. Indeed.
Living people, give another round of applause for one of the stars of Rachel Caine’s New York Times bestselling series, The Morganville Vampires . . . Shane Collins!
[APPLAUSE]
[No, this isn't Shane Collins. But it is his Author, Rachel Caine.]
The Morganville Vampires books include:
Glass Houses
The Dead Girls’ Dance
Midnight Alley
Feast of Fools
Lord of Misrule
Carpe Corpus
Fade Out
Kiss of Death
Ghost Town (coming October 2010)
That’s it for this episode of Post Mortem. Until next time: Go thee out unto the world. Rock on.
DEATH:
Hey there, living people. Welcome to Post Mortem, the fake online talk-radio show where fictional characters talk to me about their books, their Authors, and basically anything they want. I’m your host, Death.
Here’s what Publishers Weekly says in a starred review about my next guest’s book: “Rhuday-Perkovich delivers a masterful debut, telling a layered middle-school tale filled with characters who are delightfully flawed and, more importantly, striving to overcome those flaws.”
That’s what I love about living people: their delightful flaws. Give a big hello to the star of Olugbemisola Rhuday-Perkovich’s debut novel, 8TH GRADE SUPERZERO…Reggie!
[APPLAUSE]
Hey, Reggie.
REGGIE:
[STARES] I’m sorry, I’m more than a little freaked out by…this.
DEATH:
No worries. I get that a lot. Tell me something about your book, EIGHTH GRADE SUPERZERO.
REGGIE:
Um. Yeah. OK. With a pair of sneakers, a political campaign, and a little help from my friends, I might just change my life.
DEATH:
Ah, change. I’m into change. Just ask anyone who reads Tarot cards. What’s the worst thing about your situation in the book?
REGGIE:
Everyone knows me in…a certain way, because of a Certain Incident on the first day of school.
DEATH:
I can hear the initial caps. That had to be some incident.
REGGIE:
And there’s a real me so far down deep inside that I don’t know if he actually exists. He may be a figment of my imagination, like Night Man, my graphic novel character. [PAUSES] Maybe this is all there is. Maybe I’m just the guy who puked in front of everyone, who’s father’s out of work, and who can’t bear to look girls in the eye. I try to do the right thing, but everything seems so bad. I’m just one guy; I don’t know if my voice really matters.
DEATH:
Life can be hard. So I’m told.
REGGIE:
Also, my sister is evil.
DEATH:
Heh. What’s the best thing about your situation?
REGGIE:
I have the best friends a guy could have. Some — mostly me — might say they’re eccentric, but they stick by me no matter what, and I learn from them every day. Sometimes, things I don’t want to know, like about how Victorian women stuck apple peels in their armpits, but hey, small price to pay for true friendship.
DEATH:
Indeed. If you could be anyone, who would it be?
REGGIE:
Justin Walker, the guy every girl wants and every guy wants to be at my school, because it looks so easy.
DEATH:
What’s your standard outfit?
REGGIE:
Hoodie — but my mom won’t let me wear the hood up — jeans, and sneakers.
DEATH:
What are you most afraid of?
REGGIE:
I am most afraid of everyone knowing how afraid I really am.
DEATH:
See, here’s a secret: all the living are afraid. And if everyone knew that, the fear probably wouldn’t be so scary. What’s one thing about you that no one else knows?
REGGIE:
I wrote a love letter to someone.
DEATH:
Love is SO cool.
REGGIE:
I’m not sure if I’m going to give it to her or not.
DEATH:
You’ll make the right choice. In SUPERZERO, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Olugbemisola, what on earth are you making me do? Or were you and your Author in sync the entire time?
REGGIE:
I mean…the Dora shoes. I didn’t think I could do it!
DEATH:
Isn’t it amazing what we can do when we have to? If you had your way, what would you change about SUPERZERO?
REGGIE:
I’d find homes for everyone at Olive Branch. Wait — I’d have there be no Olive Branch. I still don’t get why there is so much trouble in the world, like the song.
DEATH:
Some things, we’re not meant to know. If you could make your Author, Olugbemisola, do anything, what would it be?
REGGIE:
I’d ask for a reunion with George.
DEATH:
Heh. For more that that, living people, you have to read the book. Reggie, tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.
REGGIE:
I wish that we could treat each other with respect, even if we disagreed or didn’t like each other. Just remember that we’re all human —
DEATH:
Well, most of us.
REGGIE:
…And remember to look for that little thing in everyone that we can love. Ugh, that sounds sappy. I’ve been spending too much time with….well, anyway. You’ll find out.
DEATH:
I find out everything, in the end. If there’s one piece of advice you could give to your fans, what would it be?
REGGIE:
Pay attention. Listen. And value the small things.
DEATH:
Words of wisdom, to be sure.
Everyone, give another hearty round of applause for the star of Olugbemisola Rhuday-Perkovich’s debut novel, 8TH GRADE SUPERZERO…Reggie!
[APPLAUSE]
[No, this isn't Reggie. But it is his Author, Olugbemisola Rhuday-Perkovich.]
You can purchase 8TH GRADE SUPERZERO at Barnes & Noble, Borders, your favorite independent bookseller, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.
That’s it for this episode of Post Mortem. Until next time, go thee out unto the world. Rock on.
For Love Of Love…and Banana Bread
January 13th, 2010DEATH:
Hey there, living people. Welcome to Post Mortem, the fake online talk-radio show where fictional characters talk to me about their books, their Authors, and basically anything they want. I’m your host, Death.
The next guest on Post Mortem has a sweet tooth, both for baked goods and for the idea of true love. The Book Butterfly declares: “What is not to love about a sweet, screwball comedy like SCONES AND SENSIBILITY? One can almost smell the delicious baked goods wafting throughout the air, and feel the cool breeze of summer as Polly leaves a wake of romantic snafus in the midst of her bakery deliveries. This is a book to sit back and savor, perhaps with your own favorite bakery indulgence and a steaming cup of coffee.”
Everyone give a warm welcome to the star of Lindsay Eland’s debut novel SCONES AND SENSIBILITY…Polly Madassa!
[APPLAUSE]
Hey, Polly. How goes it?
POLLY:
Yes, hello one and all.
DEATH:
If you had to sum up SCONES AND SENSIBILITY in one sentence, what would it be?
POLLY:
It is about both the joys and sorrows, the successes and failures of a hopeless romantic, such as myself, who only longs to find the people in her life their one true love.
DEATH:
A Cupid fixation. [NODS WISELY] Anything bad happen while you’re shooting figurative arrows of love at people?
POLLY:
[SHUDDERS]
DEATH:
I take that as a “yes.” Want to talk about it?
POLLY:
I despise even the remembrance of the situation, but I suppose that I must bring myself to it. It all happened upon a dusky evening when I came upon the window of my dearest bosom friend and found her father being strangled by his girlfriend whom he had met on the Internet.
DEATH:
Oh my.
POLLY:
True, he wasn’t really be strangled, but it looked very serious at the time. The situation ended with the woman, Ruthie, being incarnated (I thought the handcuffs went a tad too far though the police must do their duty) and my best friend not speaking to me.
DEATH:
Ouch.
POLLY:
I shudder at the thought of it all…It was just plain awful!
DEATH:
Tell me something positive that happens to you in the book.
POLLY:
[GRINS] Ooo, goody, goody…I mean, this is much more pleasant to think upon. [SIGHS] Well, the most wondrous part of my situation, aside from wearing the most elegant dresses and ribbons, baking delicious pastries and breads, and living by the wild open ocean, was the task I embraced of finding those I love their one true love. Really, what could be more wonderful than that? [PAUSES] Besides of course, meeting Mr. Darcy in real life…
DEATH:
Ah, l’amour. If you could be anyone, who would it be?
POLLY:
Oh, why Elizabeth Bennet or Anne Shirley, of course. Though I live in 21st century New Jersey, and they in a more romantic time, we are, I believe, true kindred spirits with each other.
DEATH:
Nice. What does a 21st century Cupid wear?
POLLY:
Hmm, I prefer my lavender dress with the white satin bow, and my straw hat (also adorned with ribbons cascading down my back).
DEATH:
Anything you wouldn’t be caught dead in? [SMILES]
POLLY:
Cut-off jean shorts and a t-shirt with the words “Wassup”…and yes, I was forced into this very attire for one horrible weekend that has surely left me scarred for all eternity and beyond.
DEATH:
Surely. Speaking of scars, what are you most afraid of?
POLLY:
I am most afraid of my dear friend having a most horrendous stepmother who will then ship her off to an orphanage.
DEATH:
I’m sensing some literary themes here.
POLLY:
I also fear losing my beloved sister to a horrible bore-of-a-boy that will take her away from me forever.
DEATH:
And how do you move past those fears?
POLLY:
Well, I simply will help my sister find her one true love and my bosom friend’s father find his.
DEATH:
Heh. A nice, simple plan. What’s one thing about you that no one else knows?
POLLY:
That though I prefer classic literature, and feign any mention of vampires or hairy werewolves, I picked up a copy of Twilight from my sister’s secret drawer. And to be quite honest, I couldn’t put it down. I mean, Edward Cullen is so awesome…I mean…he is such a dashing gentleman.
DEATH:
[WINKS] Good catch.
POLLY:
Now I find myself quite taken with anything vampiric.
DEATH:
They certainly have bite. In SCONES AND SENSIBILITY, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Lindsay, what on earth are you making me do? Or were you and your Author in sync the entire time?
POLLY:
We were in sync, I believe, the entire time, though I really do wish that she would’ve completely deleted Clementine’s boyfriend Clint from the text. Really, I pleaded with her quite extensively.
DEATH:
Authors have been known to turn a deaf ear. If you had your way, what would you change about SCONES AND SENSIBILITY?
POLLY:
All the parts that wound up not working out in my favor or the way that I wanted them to be would be completely changed to how I had envisioned at first: the situation mentioned above with my bosom friend and her father, Clementine getting stung by a jellyfish, and me falling into the sea.
DEATH:
If you could make your Author, Lindsay Eland, do anything, what would it be?
POLLY:
I would make her wear delicate dresses and bows, because really — the things she wears sometimes!
DEATH:
Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.
POLLY:
Well, honestly I would prefer to change lots and lots…I mean…many things. I would love to walk through the house by the flickering of candlelight. And how romantic would it be to ride to and fro school on a horse-drawn carriage? And all the girls and ladies would wear elegant dresses and the gentleman would dawn handsome suits and tall hats. [SIGHS HAPPILY]
DEATH:
If SCONES AND SENSIBILITY goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?
POLLY:
I would love for Megan Follows, the actress who played Anne Shirley in the wonderful movie, to play me.
DEATH:
What about Clementine’s boyfriend, Clint?
POLLY:
And as for Clint, my vile nemesis…I think he would be played by a large goat.
DEATH:
[DIES LAUGHING]
POLLY:
At this time, I shall include a delicious banana bread recipe that is currently sitting in the oven. [CLEARS THROAT]
Banana Bread, a la Polly Madassa
3-4 ripe bananas mashed
1/3 cup butter melted
1 cup sugar
1 egg, beaten
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 ½ cups flour
Preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease a loaf pan. Place the mashed bananas in a bowl and stir in melted butter with a wooden spoon. Add sugar, egg, and vanilla and stir. Sprinkle baking soda over the top and stir. Finally stir in the flour. Adding ¾ cup chocolate chips only adds to the divinity of this recipe! Bake for about 1 hour.
DEATH:
Post Mortem: the interviews that keep on giving. [GRINS] If there’s one piece of advice you could give to your fans, what would it be?
POLLY:
To laugh and cry, dream and believe…but always save enough room for dessert!
DEATH:
My favorite, of course, being Death by Chocolate. Last question: who’s your favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse?
POLLY:
O dear, is there a Horseman of Elegance?
DEATH:
Not the last time I checked.
POLLY:
If not, I think I’d like to pick whatever horse is white, because I think white horses are the most becoming of the equine race.
DEATH:
Heh. I’ll be sure to let Pestilence know.
Living people, give another round of applause to the star of Lindsay Eland’s debut novel, SCONES AND SENSIBILITY…Polly Madassa!
[APPLAUSE]
[No, this isn't Polly. But it is her Author, Lindsay Eland.]
You can buy SCONES AND SENSIBILITY at Barnes & Noble, Borders, your favorite independent bookseller, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.
That’s it for this episode of Post Mortem. Feel free to comment. Let us know if you liked the interview, if there’s a question I should have asked…anything you’d like. Either Polly or I will get back to you. Or possibly Lindsay or Jackie; our Authors get nosy sometimes.
Until next time, go thee out unto the world. Rock on.
DEATH:
Hey there, living people. Welcome to Post Mortem, the fake online talk-radio show where fictional characters talk to me about their books, their Authors, and basically anything they want. I’m your host, Death.
I have two words that sum up our next guest’s book: killer unicorns. I’m going to say that again, because let’s face it, those words go better together than milk and cookies. Killer unicorns. Locus says: “Tired of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Try Astrid the unicorn hunter.” Scott Westerfeld, author of Leviathan, declares: “As swift and sure-footed as a killer unicorn, RAMPANT weaves a vibrant new mythology from venerable threads.” And Tamora Pierce calls RAMPANT “A thrilling read, with strong girls, unusual and scary unicorns, and hidden dangers everywhere.”
In case you missed it: killer unicorns. Everyone, say hello to the star of Diana Peterfreund’s RAMPANT…Astrid Llewelyn!
[APPLAUSE]
Hey, Astrid.
ASTRID:
Hi, Death. If at all possible, could you get lost? It’s like you’ve been stalking me lately.
DEATH:
I never stalk. Don’t need to. Everyone comes to me, eventually. So, RAMPANT. Killer unicorns. How’s a girl like you get involved in something like that?
ASTRID:
After watching my boyfriend get gored in the leg by a thought-to-be-extinct killer unicorn, I’m sent to a nunnery in Rome to train as a unicorn hunter because I, as a virgin descendant of Alexander the Great, am part of a long line of people with the magical ability to protect the world from the killer unicorn menace. [PAUSES] Want my job?
DEATH:
Next time I’m a virgin descendant of Alexander the Great, you’re on. What’s the worst thing about your situation in RAMPANT?
ASTRID:
Gee, where do I start? How about being ripped out of school before I have a chance to win the science fair for the second time in a row and sent to live in a nunnery, where it is my job to kill man-eating monsters?
DEATH:
I can see that being quite a bummer.
ASTRID:
Then there’s my crazy, unicorn-obsessed roommate, or the bone-covered walls that give me a headache, the fact that my duty to kill unicorns goes hand in hand with a rule that says I can never date a boy again, ever!
DEATH:
Well, that last probably makes your parents happy.
ASTRID:
Oh, and imminent death lies on the other end of every arrow point. That sucks, too.
DEATH:
Hey, I get around. Anything redeeming about your situation?
ASTRID:
In Rome, they have gelato stands on every corner. Yum!
DEATH:
[SMILES] Good stuff.
ASTRID:
Also, I met a cute boy here, but don’t tell anyone that, since, ahem, not supposed to date.
DEATH:
Your secret is safe with me. Cross my heart.
ASTRID:
And I get to hang out with my cousin Phil, who is my best friend.
DEATH:
If you could be anyone, who would it be?
ASTRID:
Marie Curie, because she was a brilliant scientist and her research helped cure thousands of people. Even though it eventually killed her. Hmmm, maybe we have more in common than I’d thought.
DEATH:
What does a unicorn hunter wear these days?
ASTRID:
A lot of cargo pants, because the pockets are big enough for spare arrow points and my alicorn knife.
DEATH:
Anything you wouldn’t be, ha-ha, caught dead in?
ASTRID:
Probably wouldn’t wear heels, especially not with these cobblestone streets around the Cloisters. You could break your ankle, especially if you have to start running. Which we do, because the other downside to my ability is that, on top of having magical powers over killer unicorns, I also draw them to me like catnip.
DEATH:
Nice to keep things interesting. What are you most afraid of?
ASTRID:
I’m really terrified of ending up a crazy loser like my mother.
DEATH:
Ouch.
ASTRID:
I mean, she was right about there being unicorns, and them being venomous monsters, but she’s still completely insane. Trust me on this one. And I had a plan to escape it. I was going to go to school, be a doctor, immerse myself in science.
DEATH:
How do you move past that fear?
ASTRID:
I’m a high school dropout learning magical hunting techniques. So far, I’m not doing so great with the “moving past” thing.
DEATH:
Give it time. Or more books. What’s one thing about you that no one else knows? You can trust me. Really.
ASTRID:
My cousin Philippa is my hero. I love her more than anyone else in the world.
DEATH:
That’s sweet.
ASTRID:
Also, I’m kind of ace at braiding hair.
DEATH:
Definitely a lost art. In RAMPANT, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Diana, what on earth are you making me do? Or were you and your Author in sync the entire time?
ASTRID:
She tortured me a lot. But I don’t think she had much of a choice in the matter, either.
DEATH:
I don’t know about that. Free will and all. If you had your way, what would you change about RAMPANT?
ASTRID:
Well, I probably would have slept with my boyfriend in the first chapter, so I wouldn’t have been eligible for this whole unicorn hunting thing.
DEATH:
[DIES LAUGHING]
ASTRID:
Then again, if I’d done that, I never would have met Giovanni. [PAUSES] Tough call.
DEATH:
If you could make your Author, Diana Peterfreund, do anything, what would it be?
ASTRID:
I’m pretty sure I’m getting tortured even worse in the next book, so I guess I’d have to say STOP WRITING!
DEATH:
Yeah, that doesn’t work. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.
ASTRID:
I wish we had a cure for cancer. I know that’s cheesy and simplistic, but I do. I’d give anything if we could rid the world of disease.
DEATH:
I know a certain White Rider of the Apocalypse who might have something to say about that. If RAMPANT goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?
ASTRID:
I don’t know if I could choose me. That’s really egocentric, don’t you think?
DEATH:
Maybe, but that doesn’t make it wrong. Okay then, what about your cousin? Who should play her?
ASTRID:
Phil would totally be Amanda Seyfried.
DEATH:
By the way, viewers, if you haven’t checked out the book trailer for RAMPANT, you really should.
ASTRID:
And I’d like to take this opportunity to issue a public service announcement: Stay out of the woods.
DEATH:
Well put. If there’s one piece of advice you could give to your fans, what would it be?
ASTRID:
I have fans? Really?
DEATH:
Really really.
ASTRID:
Did my mother start a fan club? I wouldn’t put it past her. And, again: stay out of the woods.
DEATH:
Heh. Again, well put. Finally, who’s your favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse?
ASTRID:
That’s a tough one. I mean, on one hand, they are supposed to be all famine and pestilence, right?
DEATH:
Two out of four, yes.
ASTRID:
I’m very anti-pestilence. On the other hand, horses in general don’t scare me, not after seeing unicorns. I’m going to go with Conquest, because he’s got a bow.
DEATH:
And because I’m a gentleman, I won’t tell you that my Author has Pestilence doing double time as Conquest—he gets the bow.
ASTRID:
I like bows.
DEATH:
Who doesn’t? You know, besides killer unicorns.
Everyone, give another hearty round of applause for the star of Diana Peterfreund’s RAMPANT…Astrid Llewelyn!
[APPLAUSE]
[No, this isn't Astrid. But it is her Author, Diana Peterfreund.]
RAMPANT is available at Barnes & Noble, Borders, Mysterious Galaxy and other independent bookstores, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.
That’s it for this episode of Post Mortem. Feel free to comment. Let us know if you liked the interview, if there’s a question I should have asked…anything you’d like. Either Astrid or I will get back to you. Or possibly Diana or Jackie; our Authors get nosey sometimes.
Until next time, go thee out unto the world. Rock on.
DEATH:
Hey there, living people. Welcome to Post Mortem, the fake online talk-radio show where fictional characters talk to me about their books, their Authors, and basically anything they want. I’m your host, Death.
Our guest today on Post Mortem is a clockwork man with a hidden past. In a starred review of MAGIC UNDER GLASS, Booklist says: “Dolamore successfully juggles several elements that might have stymied even a more experienced writer: intriguing plot elements, sophisticated characterizations, and a subtle boost of girl power.”
[GRINS] Girl power is awesome — both the subtle and in-your-face kind. Everyone, say hello to one of the stars of Jaclyn Dolamore’s MAGIC UNDER GLASS…Erris Tanharrow!
[APPLAUSE]
Hey, Erris. How’s it going?
ERRIS:
Oh, well enough, I suppose.
DEATH:
Heh. This is going to be fun. Tell us about MAGIC UNDER GLASS.
ERRIS:
This is a book about a tremendously handsome and charming fairy prince trapped inside a life-size clockwork piano player, and the lovely girl who wants to rescue him.
DEATH:
Of course it is.
ERRIS:
I think there might be some rich blonde cad named Hollin in there as well.
DEATH:
What’s the worst thing about your situation in the book?
ERRIS:
Well, I am trapped inside a life-size clockwork piano-playing automaton, for one thing.
DEATH:
Yeah, OK. I can see that.
ERRIS:
[SHRUGS] It’s not as dull as it sounds, because for the most part, I’m unwound and in this long sleep. But it is very jarring because you never know what will be going on the next time someone winds you. [PAUSES] I say “you” in the nonspecific sense, because it sounds much better than saying “me”.
DEATH:
Gotcha.
ERRIS:
Also, it’s damned hard to do anything useful, much less impressive, when you’re trapped inside a piano-playing automaton. You can play a lot of piano. That’s about the extent of it.
DEATH:
What’s the best thing about your situation?
ERRIS:
The best thing is… well… one day it was a lovely girl winding me. That would be Nimira. And she didn’t run away when I tried to communicate with her. In fact, it seems she was intrigued. Apparently even as an automaton, I make for a handsome specimen.
DEATH:
[SMILES] Apparently.
ERRIS:
Or perhaps women just appreciate tragedy. I seem to remember my sisters talking about novels with a lot of doomed princes and ridiculous supernatural circumstances, and it occurs to me that my lot has become quite similar…
DEATH:
What is often ridiculous in theory is tragic in practice. If you could be anyone, who would it be?
ERRIS:
I believe I would be Mr. Darcy. Everyone loves him, and he never has to put up with being a doomed prince or any ridiculous supernatural circumstances.
DEATH:
Doesn’t Mrs. Bennet become his mother-in-law?
ERRIS:
I would be willing to face that in order to have the least of my problems be pride, or prejudice, or things of that vague alliterative nature.
DEATH:
[CHUCKLES] What does a piano-playing clockwork man wear these days?
ERRIS:
Piano-playing automata don’t change clothes often. Luckily, this outfit meets with my approval: a coat of deep green velvet with tasteful embroidery, a brown waistcoat, knickers, silk stockings, and shoes with red heels that match my current cravat.
DEATH:
What wouldn’t you be caught dead in?
ERRIS:
A bathing costume.
DEATH:
What are you most afraid of?
ERRIS:
I am most afraid of my entire family being dead, and my entire world crashing down upon me, and my person being forced into serious circumstances that require me to rise to them or perish. Luckily, that sort of thing only happens to characters in stories! [PAUSES] Wait… oh dear.
DEATH:
How do you move past that fear?
ERRIS:
I’m not sure, as it also appears that automata are unable to smoke or drink. I’ll have to get back to you.
DEATH:
What’s one thing about you that no one else knows? [SMILES] You can trust us. Really.
ERRIS:
Well… when I was young, before the war, being the ninth child of ten, my brothers and sisters had some very spectacular parties that would last long into the night, and I began attending them somewhere in my fourteenth year, and…
DEATH:
And?
ERRIS:
Well. Things happened. I’m not sure what was more embarrassing: the time I woke up my old nurse while attempting to deflower a maiden in a secluded corner of the palace, or the time my brothers wouldn’t believe that I had kissed another boy only because I was in a state of entirely intoxicated confusion, and if you saw some of the other boys back then, you would understand how it might happen.
DEATH:
[LAUGHS] Of course I do.
ERRIS:
I promise, however, that those days are entirely over. Far too much has happened for such frivolous behavior to have any appeal anymore.
DEATH:
Not to mention, being a piano-playing automata, you can’t drink or do any deflowering. In MAGIC UNDER GLASS, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Jaclyn, what on earth are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?
ERRIS:
Well, my actions were my own. I would like to think I must take responsibility for that.
DEATH:
Sure.
ERRIS:
I do think that some of it may have been a little bit unnecessary. There does seem to be an awfully high death toll for everyone’s parents. I suppose there was some strain of influenza that only struck parents? Is that it?
DEATH:
Trade secret.
ERRIS:
But as far as what I did…I’m afraid I’m acting precisely myself. Which is to say I do very few useful things.
DEATH:
If you had your way, what would you change about MAGIC UNDER GLASS?
ERRIS:
I would change it to “The tale of Erris, a gentleman prince who never had to even consider becoming King because his brothers took care of that, while he lived a life of luxury that was dull to most people save himself, because it was so entirely pleasant.”
DEATH:
[LAUGHS] Other than renaming the book, if you could make your Creator, Jaclyn, do anything, what would it be?
ERRIS:
I would make her offer me a contended life from this day forward. Unfortunately, looking at the way the book ends with somewhat of an unfinished nature, I suspect she may take the path of financial reward over my happiness. Cruel mistress!
DEATH:
Think of it as an opportunity for future permanent contentedness. Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.
ERRIS:
The real world? You mean my world?
DEATH:
No.
ERRIS:
Your world?
DEATH:
No.
ERRIS:
What is Death’s world, anyway? Wait, I’d rather not know. [PAUSES] I certainly wish humans would stop tearing down so many trees. You have to tear some of them down, but be sensible about it, for goodness’ sake.
DEATH:
If MAGIC UNDER GLASS goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?
ERRIS:
My creator knows me best, and she kindly suggests J. J. Feild, who played Henry Tilney in a recent adaptation of Northanger Abbey.
DEATH:
What about Hollin Parry?
ERRIS:
As for the master of the house and my rival for Nimira’s affections, may I suggest that chap who played Emperor Palpatine in Star Wars? I insist, of course, that he use the exact same delivery. I’m sure the audience would make the right choice about who to root for.
DEATH:
If there was one thing you could have, what would it be?
ERRIS:
Well, when I was alive as a fairy prince, before I became enchanted in the body of an automaton and thirty years slipped by me before my fate was discovered, I was following a serial story in the magazine Davies’ Assortment of Wonders, called “Grave Misfortunes,” and I should very much like to know if Marianne and Lord Chalmsley ever got out of their predicament.
I can’t seem to find it in bound form, so if anyone happened to save this periodical, please forward to:
Erris Tanharrow
c/o Hollin Parry
Pelswater
DEATH:
I shudder to think what the postage would be. If there’s one piece of advice you could give to your fans, what would it be?
ERRIS:
Enjoy your life, because you never know when it will take a turn, but don’t enjoy it too much, or that will be the cause of your trouble in the first place. Above all, avoid sorcerers.
DEATH:
Wise words, all around. Finally, who’s your favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse?
ERRIS:
[GRINS BROADLY] Why, Death, of course! [GLANCES AT EXIT]
DEATH:
Heh. Flattery gets you everywhere.
Everyone, give another hearty round of applause for one of the stars of Jaclyn Delamore’s MAGIC UNDER GLASS…Erris Tanharrow!
[APPLAUSE]
[No, this isn't Erris. But it is his Author, Jaclyn Dolamore.]
MAGIC UNDER GLASS hits the shelves on December 22, 2009. You can preorder the book at Barnes & Noble, Borders, Mysterious Galaxy and other independent bookstores, Amazon, and other fine bookstores near you.
That’s it for this episode of Post Mortem. Feel free to comment. Let us know if you liked the interview, if there’s a question I should have asked…anything you’d like. Either Erris or I will get back to you. Or possibly Jaclyn or Jackie; our Authors get nosey sometimes.
Until next time, go thee out unto the world. Rock on.
DEATH:
Hey there, living people. Welcome to Post Mortem, the fake online talk-radio show where fictional characters talk to me about their books, their Authors, and basically anything they want. I’m your host, Death.
Don’t let that freak you out. I’m a decent fake radio host. At least, no one’s complained yet. (But maybe that’s because of the scythe.)
Our guest today on Post Mortem is someone I can relate to on many levels–especially because she understands the concept of patience. Me? I’m patient because, well, why wouldn’t I be? Everyone comes to me, in time. As for my guest, she’s patient due to circumstances. Three hundred years’ worth of circumstances.
Booklist calls The Dust of 100 Dogs “an undeniably original book.” And according to School Library Journal: “Pirates, reincarnation, dogs, teenage angst, a romance that spans the centuries, magic, treasure—all are wrapped up inside a fun Goth cover.”
[GRINS] I love the “fun Goth cover” comment. Everyone, say hello to the star of A.S. King’s THE DUST OF 100 DOGS…Saffron Adams!
[APPLAUSE]
Hey, Saffron! Thanks for being my guest on Post Mortem.
SAFFRON:
Uh—hi, Death. Nice to meet you.
DEATH:
Likewise. For those who haven’t read DUST yet, what’s your book about?
SAFFRON:
THE DUST OF 100 DOGS is about a notorious 17th century pirate reincarnated as a girl genius–me–who is determined to reclaim her buried treasure.
DEATH:
Nice. But what does that have to do with the dust of a hundred dogs?
SAFFRON:
When Emer was murdered, her killer cursed her with the dust of 100 dogs, dooming her to 300 years as an assortment of dogs before she could be reborn as a human again.
DEATH:
Ouch. Was that the worst thing that happened to you in the book?
SAFFRON:
The worst thing for me is that I was born with a 300-year-old brain. There are perks to this as well as troubles. Mostly, modern people piss me off, and time moves too slowly.
DEATH:
[GRINS] Yeah, I can relate to that.
SAFFRON:
[NODS] But my situation is complicated because I have my own life and memories, and I also have the memories and some leftover feelings from my former incarnation, Emer Morrisey.
DEATH:
Okay, you got me on that one. I’ve never been reincarnated. Between Emer and Saffron, which of you had a harder time of things?
SAFFRON:
[LAUGHS] Well, for one thing, my family sucks. Having to live with them until I turned 18, knowing the things I knew, was hard. But nothing as hard as what Emer had to go through. That’s the thing about being me. No matter how bad I had it, I don’t think I could ever have it as bad as she did.
DEATH:
What’s the best thing about your situation?
SAFFRON:
Funnily enough, the 300-year-old brain. Especially its mental treasure maps.
DEATH:
[LAUGHS] Not bad. If you could be anyone–and I don’t mean limiting yourself to either Emer or you, or any of your dog lives–who would it be?
SAFFRON:
There are too many people going hungry, or going without the basics in our world, and there’s no reason for it. Now that I live in Jamaica, I try to do my part locally, but I wish I had more organizational power to motivate others to help. [PAUSES] Also, more money. So, I guess I wish I could be Bono, because he’s making a huge difference in these areas.
DEATH:
To say nothing about rocking as he does so. What’s your standard outfit?
SAFFRON:
[SHRUGS] I’m casual. Depending on what climate I’m in, I’m either a jeans, t-shirt and boots kind of girl, or a sundress, surf shorts and barefoot kind of girl.
DEATH:
What wouldn’t you be caught–ha ha–dead in?
SAFFRON:
High heels.
DEATH:
What are you most afraid of?
SAFFRON:
Confrontation. I hate fighting–verbal or physical–because I know what it causes internally.
DEATH:
Not often you hear a former pirate saying she hates fighting.
SAFFRON:
Emer turned from innocent girl to evil pirate from what was done to her. It was ugly, and she felt she had to do that because life was always handing her violent challenges. I had it far easier in the 20th century, and was naturally opposed to violence after seeing what it did to Emer, and so many others I witnessed during my lives as dogs. In my experience, I believe that violence breeds more violence.
DEATH:
I can see that. So how do you move past that fear?
SAFFRON:
By being an avid pacifist. I keep my life as peaceful as it can be.
DEATH:
[NODS] All about the balance. What’s one thing about you that no one else knows? You can trust me. Really.
SAFFRON:
[PAUSES] When we had to sell our house and had the yard sale, it was too sad to see my mom sell her two framed pictures of Jesus, so I hid them in the garage.
DEATH:
Aw.
SAFFRON:
I also stole an old Swiss Army knife, which I still have, and lied to my dad and said I’d sold it.
DEATH:
Heh. A pacifist thief. I like it. In THE DUST OF 100 DOGS, were there any parts of the story where you were like, hey, A.S. King, what on earth are you making me do? Or were you and your Author in sync the entire time?
SAFRON:
I didn’t like that I had to confront Fred at the end. But I guess I knew it was coming, so I let my Emer out when it was time, and it wasn’t so bad. Outside of that, I’m glad she got me to where I wanted to go. [SMILES] Though the book spans over 300 years, it focuses mostly on Emer, and the curse we shared…but my story really starts when the book ends.
DEATH:
If you had your way, what would you change about THE DUST OF 100 DOGS?
SAFFRON:
The thing I’d change the most is a major spoiler.
DEATH:
Ah. Can’t have that. Even I have basic rules to follow.
SAFFRON:
Let’s just say I wish I could one day reclaim all of what I was looking for, and not just parts of it. [PAUSES] Then again, I feel I traded a few “valuables” for true love, which is far more valuable.
DEATH:
Ah, l’amour. If you could make your Author, A.S. King, do anything, what would it be?
SAFFRON:
Exercise more regularly. She’d feel a lot better if she just got to it, but she tends to work too much, and spend too much time in her office.
DEATH:
I think that’s an Author thing. I could tell you stuff about Jackie, but she’d probably kill me. And killing Death, well, that would lead to bad things. If THE DUST OF 100 DOGS goes Hollywood, who should play you and Emer in the movie?
SAFFRON:
I’m a few years behind when it comes to American movie stars. Last I knew Hollywood, it was the 1990s. So, I don’t think I can answer this one accurately. But if it was 1990, I’d love to see Wynona Rider play Emer.
DEATH:
If there’s one piece of advice you could give to your fans, what would it be?
SAFFRON:
Be nice. Nice matters.
DEATH:
It does indeed. Finally, who’s your favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse?
SAFFRON:
I’d have to say War. You know–the sword and all that.
DEATH:
Heh. Yeah, I do. Excellent choice.
Everyone, give another hearty round of applause for the star of A.S. King’s DUST OF 100 DOGS…Saffron Adams!
[APPLAUSE]
[No, this isn't Saffron. Or Emer. But it is their Author, A.S. King.]
You can buy DUST OF 100 DOGS at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Borders, independent bookstores, and other fine bookstores near you.
That’s it for this episode of Post Mortem. Feel free to comment–let us know if you liked the interview, if there’s a question I should have asked…anything you’d like. Either Saffron or I will get back to you. Or possibly Amy or Jackie–our Authors get nosey sometimes. (Authors. Can’t take them anywhere.)
Until next time, go thee out unto the world. Rock on.
Post Mortem is coming soon! Stay tuned…
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