Knock knock knock. Pizza delivery. I’ve got one onion, green peppers and broccoli with NO CHEESE here for Jackie Morse Kessler!

What? Pizza Delivery? Is A.S. King off her rocker? No! This is just a blog tour with a bizarre pizza twist. (Official Rules here, if you’re the curious type.) Last week my book Please Ignore Vera Dietz came out. It’s a pretty exciting time, but more exciting when you can skip around to your friends’ blogs and deliver some [imaginary] pizza and answer some questions. Thank you for your order, Jackie! Now on with those questions…

JMK: Okay, really: what’s the weirdest thing that’s happened when you delivered a pizza?

I have three things in mind for this answer. The first is delivering to the Klan guy with all the Nazi flags in his apartment. He was weird. The second is the guy with no pants. No comment. So I will tell you about the ghost truck. It happened while I was delivering pizza, but it really has nothing at all to do with pizza.

I’ve never told anyone this story before, except Mr. King. But this one night I was driving out on a road I was really familiar with. (For locals, and this makes it more interesting, it was Lincoln Road, and the straight bit that takes you right past Lizzie’s house…the locally-famous haunted house. And yeah–I believe 100% that place is haunted. Been in it. Totally spooky. No doubt about it.) Anyway–It was a dark country road–with a long straight part between curvy bits.

I was driving along the long straight part at regular speed and driving like my usual self–checking my mirrors, keeping my eyes on the road (big bug up my butt about eyes on the road) so it was really completely terrifying when suddenly, there was what seemed to be an over-sized pick-up truck with its high-beam headlights right on my tail. Like–Right on my bumper. It came out of nowhere. And it was aggressively trying to push me off the road. Not actually making contact, but damn close. The vibe was horrifying–malevolent and really really bad. I sped up considerably to try and get some space, but it just stayed right on me for about 30 seconds or so until I got to the curves.

As I went into the curves, I couldn’t slow down that much, but thank the gods I knew the road well, and as I navigated around the bends, and  came out the other side, the truck was gone.

About a year ago, I was surfing TV channels one night and I came across a show about ghost trucks. And I sat there with Mr. King and was completely covered in goosebumps for a half hour as people described the exact same experience with that terror still in their eyes. At times, I got all choked up to hear that I wasn’t the only one who had experienced this. It was, hands down, one of the most frightening things that I’ve ever experienced.

JMK: Honestly: your first kiss. Magic? Horrible? If you could declare a do-over, who would you play tonsil hockey with? (*Note to reader–this question was described as: a cheeky personal question that you’d never usually ask so don’t think Jackie is usually this cheeky.)

I love this question. OMG. Not Magic. Not horrible, but not magic. An hour later, I did try it with a different person and it was a lot better. I know. I am a horrible human being, but it’s the truth and it wasn’t like I had a boyfriend at the time. I know–that makes me a worse human being. What-ever. If it helps you respect me more, I was 15. Yes. I did not have my first tonsil hockey kiss until I was 15. So see? I’m not that bad. Worse yet, I had a boyfriend the year before who was my first love, but I never kissed him because I was too afraid. I guess if I could have a do-over, I’d have kissed him because I really liked him.
Or, of course, Liam Neeson.

I mean, or Prince. Obviously.

JMK: You can coauthor a novel with anyone, living or dead. (You’re not opposed to your coauthor being a zombie, are you?) Who is your coauthor, and why? And what sort of book do you write?

I think I’d write a multi-story children’s picture book with Kurt Vonnegut Jr. Why? Selfishly, I want to meet KV and work with him. He’s my hero. But why a children’s picture book? Because I think he had such a great simple way of  putting forth complex ideas that it would be an ideal project to challenge us both. Why multi-story? Because I can’t see either of us sticking to just one plot line.

You also get a TRUTH OR DARE question since you were so daring to suggest pizza be made without cheese. Seriously. Who eats pizza with no cheese? You are INSANE.

JMK: TRUTH: What is the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you…and how did you survive it?

This must be the day for things I never told anyone before, Jackie.

I was very heavily wronged during my freshman year in college. Like–wronged to the point of being kicked out over a ludicrous lie that someone (a so-called friend) made up and spread around and people believed. Now that we’re all older, I bet a lot of those believers maybe realize that there is no way the story was true because it was a horrible accusation that no one I know would be capable of doing, let alone a lifelong pacifist like me (I know I’m being vague, but 22 years later and I still can’t speak of it without wanting to cry my eyes out about how unfair and stupid it was that this happened to me when I didn’t do anything wrong.) Fact was: I was different. Weird. And the goal was to make everyone think I was “scary.” And it worked. It was discrimination and mean girls to the max. It was the kind of thing that if I wrote it in a book, my editors would say, “Amy, that’s stupid. There is no WAY the deans of a college would act on a pack of lies like that and then kick you out.” Indeed, life is stranger than fiction.

So, yeah, I didn’t do anything wrong. But that didn’t stop it from being embarrassing. All those people who heard the rumor just passed it on and made it worse. I had to live with all of them while they talked about me right in front of my face for about two months. If they knew I was in the shower, they’d come in and talk about me right next to the shower. It was awful. I couldn’t do much else but get through the semester the best I could and then move out. And then eventually, I left college all together…which was an different sort of embarrassment. Of course, it turns out that that was exactly what was supposed to happen, right? Or else I wouldn’t be here? So, I got though it by living through it. By myself for most of it, and then with the help of a few key friends I still have and treasure to this day.

I STILL can’t stop in that town without feeling embarrassed and angry and all sorts of horrid emotions. But I lived. And I became a big believer in karma. And I never stopped being me. I’m not all that scary, am I?

Jackie, this blog was like a freaking therapy session! Great questions! And thank you for being such a wonderful friend in this business. I really don’t know what I’d do without you and the MTB.

Oh! I should really tell you something about Please Ignore Vera Dietz before I leave, shouldn’t I?

18-year-old Vera’s spent her whole life secretly in love with her best friend, Charlie. And over the years she’s kept a lot of his secrets. Even after he betrayed her. Even after he ruined everything. So when Charlie dies in dark circumstances, Vera knows a lot more than anyone. Will she emerge and clear his name? Does she even want to?

“Brilliant. Funny. Really special.” –Ellen Hopkins, author of NYT bestselling Crank, Glass and Tricks

Next Stop on the Pizza Delivery Blog Tour: The Book Muncher–October 22!